These Enormous Children

If Rappers Charted

2007-11-29T13:51:00.001-06:00

Just think how much more interesting math would have been...

"Like Darren McFadden! Baby!!"

2007-11-26T14:03:00.000-06:00

With the news that our friend Houston Nutt will not return next year as the Razorback head coach, I present to you my favorite on-field interview of all time, barely edging out Joe Kines and Ed Orgeron. Ladies and gentlemen, Houston Nutt.

Favorite parts--
1. "Like Darren McFadden! Baby!!"
2. The way he points at Tracy Wolfson, like he's lecturing her.
3. "A football player." (walks away)

Let the Green Team Show You How to Save the Environment

2007-11-19T22:42:00.000-06:00

Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians

2007-11-16T12:46:00.000-06:00

http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com/

It's a site called Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians. What more do I have to say, people? Get to clickin'!

Your Search For My Christmas Present is Over

2007-11-08T19:49:00.001-06:00

Ladies and gentlemen, it is with barely contained glee that I type this. I hope you're ready for the unbridled incredibleness this news embodies. Without further ado, I tell you:

ZUBAZ ARE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you not alive when Zubaz first made their appearance, Zubaz combined sweatpants, zebras, and LSD to create the kind of workout pants that blew everyone's minds. Check out these badass photos of superstars and mortals alike rocking those killer ZUBAZ:

Road Warriors Hawk and Animal take time out from their busy schedule of beating the piss out of the Bushwhackers to show you some serious ZUBAZ action.

If they're good enough for this guy, they're damn sure good enough for you. Looks kind of like Dan Marino, doesn't it?

Since I can't really see who these guys are, I'm going to assume this is Lou Gossett, Jr. and Mario Lopez.

I think these are the Easter ZUBAZ.

So all I'm saying is that I fully expect in ZUBAZ by January. They're the perfect clothing for work, school, a casual night out, or a wedding.

Peter Doesn't See Good Movies

2007-11-08T11:06:00.000-06:00

Will: It appears that Peter's distaste for foods that most of us find good has gotten quite a response. What's worse, though, are the movies Peter has seen as opposed to those he has not seen. It's shameful, really.

Peter: I wouldn't say it's shameful. That's the wrong way to look at it.

Will: No, Peter. It's shameful. This all springs from my comment this morning about how excited I was about The Dark Knight, because I loved Batman Begins.

Peter: To which I obviously said, "I never saw Batman Begins." Which, to be fair, isn't like some fucking cinema classic or anything. I don't see why you're showing me hostility for not seeing Batman Begins. I take a different approach to movies that most people, apparently. I don't really love movies that much.

Will: Batman Begins is the best Batman movie. And The Godfather is arguably the greatest movie ever made. And you haven't seen that, either. There are certain movies, even if you don't really like movies all that much, that you just see. The Godfather is one.

Peter: OK, name me some movies that I should see. And no, I haven't seen The Godfather, or The Godfather Part II, or III. But just name them one by one, and I'll tell you if I've seen it.

Will: Don't worry about not seeing Part III. It sucks. How about Fletch? There's a movie that's on TV so much you almost have to actively avoid watching it.

Peter: Never seen it.

Will: How about Ferris Bueller's Day Off?

Peter: I've seen most of it. Enough to get the gist.

Will: Wow. How about A Christmas Story?

Peter: I love that movie. I would absolutely contend that it is impossible for any American to not see that movie. It is literally on around the clock during the holidays. It's classic - the "Oh, fudge!" line cracks me up every time.

Will: If you hadn't seen that, you don't have a TV. While we're on Christmas movies, how about It's a Wonderful Life?

Peter: Nope. Something about Jimmy Stewart and a ghost and a bank, right? Sounds promising.

Will: How can you not have seen that movie? It's on every year at the same time!

Peter: Apparently I was doing something else with my life every year at the same time.

Will: I don't think I would be as offended as I am by this whole situation if you hadn't both seen Kung Pao: Enter the Fist and thought it was hilarious.

Peter: Not this again. People should know you've held this over my head for years. Yes, I did go to see KP: ETF in the theaters, and yes, I did laugh at some of the scenes. I also readily admitted that some of the movie was really quite bad. But dammit, there were one or two scenes that made me (and friends of mine) laugh so hard I cried.

Will: That is an unforgivable sin in my view. If this were a Puritan colony, I would sew a "KP" on your chest and you would be a social outcast.

Peter: Open your mind! Anyway, throw me a few more movies. And justify your selections.

Will: You're telling me to open my mind? Please. How about the Star Wars movies? The first three made, at least. Classics, all three.

Peter: I've seen the first two, but not the third. It took me 25 years of life to see them, but I eventually did. Actually, despite the extraordinary amounts of nerdery that has emerged as a result of Star Wars, I quite enjoyed the movies. C3PO was gay, right?

Will: Just because he had an effete British accent didn't mean he was gay. He's a robot without a penis or hormones. It's impossible for him to have sexual preference. By the way, how could you not have watched the third movie? Didn't you want to see what happened? The end of The Empire Strikes Back is one of the great cliffhangers in movie history!

Peter: Eh. Didn't really grab me. Good guys win, right? Luke remains a Jedi and the Empire goes down - isn't that right? And robots could be gay, by the way. They could be programmed to have genitalia and to attempt to robo-copulate with another robot with similar genitalia. We have the technology. Speaking of which, I have seen Robocop, before you ask. A damn fine movie.

Will: I wasn't going to ask about Robocop. I will ask, though, have you seen the Indiana Jones movies? Everyone saw those.

Peter: I did see all of them. Possibly the finest historical fiction trilogy out there. Temple of Doom is a particular favorite of mine. However, I have not seen Citizen Kane, and yet I have seen Trial & Error, with Jeff Daniels and Michael Richards. Go figure that. In fact, here's the plan: for every great movie you list that I haven't seen, I'll give you a shitbox movie I HAVE seen.

Will: Okay, sounds good. Lawrence of Arabia.

Peter: Haven't seen it, but I have seen Ladybugs, with Jonathan Brandis and Rodney Dangerfield.

Will: How about North by Northwest? Great Hitchcock movie with some classic scenes.

Peter: I'm sure it was, but I was too busy watching Troll II. I'm going to put a clip below so you can get a feel for how terrible this movie is. I am not exaggerating when I say it is the worst creation in the history of cinema.

Will: My God, man. How about Casablanca? Surely you've seen Casablanca.

Peter: I think we had to watch that in one of my high school classes, but I don't remember it, so I'll tell you I have in fact seen Chairman of the Board, starring the legendary Carrot Top. For some reason. It is fucking miserably terrible, but I saw it.

Will: I will say this. As proud as I am of all the movies I have seen, I have seen some miserably bad ones also. Sorority Babes in Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama comes to mind.

Peter: But i think that was supposed to be bad, right? Like the "so bad, it's good" kind of thing?

Will: Well, maybe that was the intent. But it was just so bad. Not good. The bottom line is, all of us have seen bad movies, but balance them out with good ones. You've just seen more bad movies than most of us, and fewer good. It's sad.

Peter: It's not sad. Yes, I have seen It's Pat: The Movie. No, I have not seen Platoon. Yes, I have seen virtually every Police Academy movie. No, I have not had time to watch The Shawshank Redemption. Yes, I did see Mannequin 2: On the Move. But am I so different from you?

Will: Yes. Yes you are.

My Food Manifesto

2007-11-06T08:55:00.000-06:00

Hi, my name is Peter, and I don't like lots of foods that you probably love. Does that sound like such a bad thing? I don't think so, yet it seems that concept is enough to drive most people to question my sanity and/or intelligence.

Case in point: butter. Everyone loves this. I hate it. I hate the smell, I hate the taste, I hate it hot, cold, melted or frozen. I hate butter. This freaks people out. Honestly, people cannot conceive of a world where someone can't stand butter. In fact, as I was typing this post, a coworker of mine came over and said, "How can you not like butter?" It's a question I hear often. I don't have any idea why I like some things, and hate some other things.

Here's my message to all of you: don't treat me like an outcast just because I don't like the foods you do. I'm a man just like you (unless you're a woman). I don't deserve to be scolded every time I refuse to put butter on or near my food.

So here, for the first time in print, is the comprehensive list of foods I don't like:

Butter^a
Cheese^b
Ranch^c
Sour cream
All condiments^d
Basically every salad dressing^e
Avocado (and therefore guacamole by association)
Certain vegetables (pickles, cucumber, beets, turnips, Brussels sprouts, bok choy, green peppers, and several others)
Tuna/chicken/pasta salad
Nuts^f
Grits
Pimiento cheese^g
Coconut

a. OK, look. Just so you know, I eat lots of stuff with butter in it and I cook with butter, too. As long as I can't taste it, throw it in my meal. But if I so much as think about tasting it, deal's off.

b. EXCEPTIONS: Mozzarella, provolone, sometimes American. All other cheese is terrible.

c. FAST FACT: This is the one that makes people the angriest.

d. Except ketchup. I love ketchup. And don't spell it catsup. It's ketchup.

e. I can tolerate thousand island or certain vinaigrettes. But I don't really like them either.

f. Peanuts are OK. The rest suck.

g. I know I already talked about cheese, but that shit is so gross it deserves its own mention.

I'm not ashamed of any of my choices. And there are others I didn't list - those are just the ones that immediately came to mind. I'm not a terribly picky eater, but I likes what I likes. You're just going to have to deal with it, America.

Darren McFadden is Football Zeus

2007-11-05T15:15:00.000-06:00

One cannot wrap his or her mind around this touchdown run. It is greatness, the likes of which we may have never seen before.

I'm Just Saying, Vol. 1

2007-11-02T15:48:00.001-05:00

--Is it just me, or can John Cusack not do a movie without his sister and vice versa?

Now, obviously, that's a rhetorical question, because I'm sure that John and Joan have done plenty of movies without each other, but damn, it seems like they're always in the same movie. This comes on the heels of my learning that John and Joan are in the recent release Martian Child. Looking at their respective IMDb pages (John here, Joan here), in actuality, they have only been in 6 movies together...it just seems like they're separated at the hip. I'm just saying.

--Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year, for many reasons. When I was a kid, I loved the candy. In high school and college, it was for the parties. Now, it's because of the skimpy outfits. And my new car.
I got a new car on Halloween this year. An '08 Ford Fusion that replaced my '95 Explorer. Now, needless to say, this is a huge step up. Also, I found out today that on the way from the lot where I left my traded in Explorer to the lot of the wholesaler, the transmission went out. Thanks for the $1500!
Oh yeah, Halloween. what other holiday could you have someone dressed like this:

I guess this is supposed to be Snow White. But Halloween is the only time you could see a woman dressed in this "Snow White" costume. I'm just saying.

--This for my blogmate, Peter Edmiston, a huge Redskins fan. This site is a Redskins fan site...I think maybe before you start the website, you need to check and see what the name of it looks like before they put the site up. If I typed in "hogshaven.com" into my home computer, my girlfriend would have some serious questions for me. Try "hogs_haven.com." I'm just saying.

Possibly the Most Redneck Thing You Will See All Day

2007-10-30T16:30:00.001-05:00

This takes "being red" to a whole new level.

Jason Jones Asks the Important Questions

2007-10-30T12:06:00.000-05:00

Sadly enough, this may actually have an impact on the '08 race.

In Which I Take an Unnecessary Cheap Shot at My Blogmate

2007-10-23T08:21:00.000-05:00

Coming off of Alabama's 41-17 victory on Saturday, this must have been what this cheer sounded like down on the field. Yikes.

Sorry, Peter, but I couldn't resist.

The Most Important Issue in the 2008 Election

2007-10-18T08:15:00.000-05:00

Once again, the Onion is spot on.

The Star Wars Theme...On Trumpet

2007-10-12T08:47:00.000-05:00

When I saw this video this morning, I literally could not stop crying from laughing so hard. Just...enjoy.

John Mayer May or May Not Be Dating My Girlfriend

2007-10-02T11:50:00.000-05:00

Umm, I'm not sure how I feel about John Mayer's new girlfriend.

Produce Pete II: The New Batch

2007-09-27T14:51:00.000-05:00

More from the legendary grocer/chef extraordinaire:

Produce Pete - Healing Garden

Holidays:

Mushrooms:

Pineapple:

Tom Cruise is Still Insane

2007-09-26T15:52:00.000-05:00

This from WWTDD :

A source close to the Mission Impossible star says the hide-away based at his Colorado
mansion in Telluride, is 'a self-contained underground system where up to 10 people can
survive for years.' The bunker will be installed with 'a state of the art air purification system' and has storage space for survival equipment and years worth of supplies. According to
internet sources, Scientologist believe the evil deposed galactic ruler 'Xenu' is planning an
imminent revenge attack on earth."

This is why I could never live in Hollywood. Everyone's f'ing crazy. Only batshit insane people could believe that aliens are coming to destroy the Earth. I have a theory about why everyone in Hollywood is crazy...The people in Hollywood are the same people that you thought were nerdy and crazy in high school that didn't go to college because they wanted to be actors. They never developed any social skills because they were awkward and their parents pushed them to act. They grew out of their awkward phase and ended up being good looking, but remained insane, and they're all in one place. I bet I could count the number of normal people in Hollywood.

Hence Scientology being so popular out there. How else could it possibly be explained?

Summer Colors Frankenstein

2007-09-26T14:16:00.000-05:00

Often I have talked of Summer Colors Frankenstein, and how I think it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. No one gets it, until now. Not to be outdone by Produce Pete, I present to you: Summer Colors Frankenstein and Tourett's Syndrome Mayor McCheese. Enjoy.

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Produce Pete

2007-09-25T17:26:00.000-05:00

You may recall that in an earlier post, Will and I discussed entertainers we liked, and that one of those entertainers was Steve Carell. I talked about how much I enjoyed his Produce Pete segments on the Daily Show, but I lamented the fact that there were no clips of it available on the Internet to show you. Thanks to me, that has changed.

Here's some Produce Pete segments to get us started.

Beets:

Cabbage:

Holiday Food:

You All Have Filthy Minds

2007-09-20T11:19:00.000-05:00

(somewhat NSFW; courtesy TBL and Collegehumor)

We Like These People

2007-09-19T12:30:00.001-05:00

Will: Because we spewed so much hate last week, we thought it would be a better idea to spew some love.

Peter: Come on, man. That's gross. I'm not spewing love on the internet any more. Those days are over.

Will: Your mind is in the gutter, Edmiston. As always. Anyway, to me this list has to begin with Vince Vaughn, even though he essentially plays the same character in every movie he's in.

Peter: I love that character. He's getting kind of stale to me, though. I no longer have the same level of excitement when I see him in a preview as I did a few years back. Fred Claus looks pretty funny, though.

Will: A few years back, like when he was in Clay Pigeons or Psycho?

Peter: I went to see Psycho. I regret it now. But there you go - I rarely go see non-comedies at theaters, and Vince Vaughn made me go. So your point is valid. Obviously, I have to go with Will Ferrell next. The guy has made some really bad movies, yes, but the highs FAR outstrip the lows. Hilarious.

Will: And he knows it too. I think it's going to get to the point where he makes the most ridiculous movie possible knowing full well everyone will still go see it.

Peter: A Night at the Roxbury, Bewitched, Kicking and Screaming - you don't stay popular after making shit like that unless you are fantastic. That said, I hope he steers clear of the "over-the-top character in a fringe/offbeat sport" motif from here on.

Will: It's clear that formula is working for him. He's starring as an ABA player from the 70's in his next movie.

Peter: Next up, I predict we'll see him as "Bert Nunchuck", a pompous miniature golfer who learns about life and love.

Will: At the risk of sounding like we're picking everyone from the same movies, Steve Carell is another one. Ever since "Even Stevphen" on the Daily Show, I've loved the guy.

Peter: Produce Pete was my favorite Steve Carell bit on the Daily Show. And somehow it's like the only thing you can't find online. We linked all the Even Stevphen bits above, and yet I can't find jack shit on Produce Pete. That makes me angry.

Will: Maybe Produce Pete is a figment of your imagination.

Peter: I know it happened. OK, fine - if I can't talk about that, how about his performance on the Office? It's my favorite show on TV right now.

Will: Agreed. He is a fantastically awkward genius.

Peter: All right, here's one I know you'll love: Chris Farley. I know he's dead, but during his brief run on this earth, the man generated so much comedy. He had so much manic energy and he was impossible to look away from. Plus, it was his giant toddler character that gave us the inspiration for the name of this site.

Will: 15 years after the fact, the Chippendale's sketch with Patrick Swayze remains my favorite SNL sketch of all time.

Peter: That was awesome. I also loved Nerf Crotch Bat, which contained the classic line: "Nerf + crotch = lots of fun!".

Will: As far as the female side of things is concerned, I found myself engrossed by Into the Blue because Jessica Alba was always in a bikini. I couldn't focus on Titans/Colts because of her.

Peter: So let me get this straight? You like funny guys, but you're only interested in hot women?

Will: Pretty much.

Peter: See, I like Dame Judi Dench and Kathy Bates.

(long pause)

All right, I'm just as superficial as you. Jessica Alba is hot and I like to watch her be hot.

Will: I knew you'd come around.

Peter: Elisha Cuthbert. That's all I have to say. The hottest chick to come out of Canada since Anne Murray.

Will: The problem with Elisha Cuthbert is that she's not in very much. I mean, The Girl Next Door is must-view material.

Peter: Yeah, Cuthbert as a porn star is pretty much awesome in every way something can be awesome. Here's another one: I actually quite like Tina Fey. Really smart and funny. 30 Rock is a phenomenal show.

Will: Love the glasses. That's pretty much all I got. Wait a second. How have we not talked about Bill Murray yet?

Peter: We are retarded.

Will: We must be. He may be the funniest actor of the last 30 years.

Peter: He just radiates funny. It's hard to explain, but if you've seen him in person, it's amazing the charisma the guy has. Plus, "Big" Ern McCracken.

That's all I have to say.

Will: What can I possibly say about Bill Murray that wasn't said in that video?

Peter: How about John C. Reilly? The guy one hell of an actor and is funny to boot. He was overlooked for a long time, but I loved his performance in Boogie Nights and his new movie Walk Hard looks fantastic.

Will: Only a true talent can pull off being in both Chicago and Talladega Nights.

Peter: Lightning Round time!

Will: Johnny Depp.

Peter: Phil Hartman.

Will: Jack White.

Peter: Jon Stewart.

Will: Stephen Colbert.

Peter: John Hodgman.

Will: Lisa Lampanelli.

Peter: Conan O'Brien.

Will: Fred Willard.

Peter: David Cross.

Will: Bob Ross.

Peter: Fred Berry.

Will: Matt Damon.

Peter: Morgan Freeman.

Will: Scarlett Johansson.

Peter: Ron Popeil.

Will: Sacha Baron Cohen.

Peter: Judge Judy.

Will: Craig Scheffer.

Peter: Nelson Mandela.

Will: Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Peter: Douglas Adams.

Will: Forest Whitaker.

Peter: Billy Shakespeare.

Will: Leonardo Di Caprio.

Peter: Mike Nelson.

Will: Heidi Klum.

Peter: God.

Will: Can't top that.

My Nom De Plume is "Lorraine Peterson"

2007-09-17T14:12:00.000-05:00

JUST LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-09-12T08:08:00.000-05:00

This woman seems stable. I feel like she's got a firm grasp on her emotions. If she's not a fighter pilot, or a sniper, or some other kind of job requiring coolness under pressure, I would be shocked.

"We've taken the 360, added a PSP, and...BLLLAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

2007-09-11T09:43:00.000-05:00

(WARNING: a bit gross, but very funny)

We Hate these People

2007-09-10T11:16:00.000-05:00

Peter: I was watching football the other day, and a commercial for the new motion picture sensation Good Luck Chuck came on, and it brought up a thought: I don't care how hot Jessica Alba is, it's just not worth watching Dane Cook flail around like a coked up retard on the screen. So here's the question: which performer or performers will make you actively avoid a movie/TV show/whatever just because of their presence?

Will: Dane Cook is certainly a good starting point. He's like old Jim Carrey on speed, which is saying something.

Peter: But old Jim Carrey was funny. Dane Cook is not.

Will: True. It's the same style, but with way less talent.

Peter: OK, how about this one: Carlos Mencia. First of all, his whole shtick is about him being Mexican - and he's not even actually Mexican! His real name is actually Ned Holness and he's half-Honduran and half-German. He is 100% jackoff, though.

Will: I completely agree with you. How "Mind of Mencia" keeps getting picked up is beyond me. Is there a more douchebag name than "Ned Holness"?

Peter: No. I hate that guy. He is actually worse than Dane Cook, and that is a remarkable feat.

Will: I'm also going to have to say that Paul Walker annoys the shit out of me for some reason. He's the very definition of someone who's on screen because they're attractive.

Peter: You're attracted to Paul Walker?

Will: Yes. He's hot. You know what I mean, asshole.

Peter: I really didn't remember much about that guy other than his brilliant performance in 2 Fast 2 Furious, but as I look over Paul Walker's IMDB page, he's got quite a resume of playing stupidly-named characters in bad movies. I think "Caleb Mandrake" in The Skulls is my personal favorite. That movie was terrible.

Will: I'm partial to his performance as "Joey Gazelle" in Running Scared, a forgotten classic.

Peter: Paul Walker sucks. He's on my list. Another guy whose movies I actively will avoid is Rob Schneider. Sweet jimmy does he suck. He is the very opposite of funny. He either plays a Hispanic idiot, a Cajun idiot, a sex-addicted idiot, or a cross-dressing idiot.

Will: He peaked when he played Tiny Elvis on SNL. He's made an entire career out of saying, "You can do eeettttt!!!!!"

Peter: He's like a modern-day Urkel.

Will: I avoid Tom Cruise.

Peter: Really? He's a weirdo, definitely, but he's not a bad actor.

Will: There's just this sawed-off arrogance about him that I don't like. I would have seen War of the Worlds if it had starred anyone else.

Peter: I can't agree with you there. Pint-size L. Ron Hubbard is a pretty good actor.

Will: Lindsay Lohan. What a train wreck. She's awful. I can't watch anything she's in.

Peter: What is she in? Rehab? I can't remember the last Lohan movie I even thought about.

Will: That's my point. No one thinks about her movies, and yet somehow she's a huge star. I Know Who Killed Me made like 10 bucks but people still care about her.

Cobra: I hate Sigourney Weaver. And I cannot stand Shirley MacLaine.

Peter: Cobra? Great to see you! How did you get in here?

Will: For those that don't know, Cobra is our buddy from work. He just happened to overhear this conversation.

Cobra: That's all I wanted to add, really. Just hate those two.

Peter: Keep up the good work. What about Criss Angel? What is with this clown? Just looking at his tattoo-covered, piercing-infested, gothtastic body makes me want to kick him right in the balls.

Will: And who spells their name Criss? And he slept with Britney Spears, so that tells you something right there.

Peter: Plus, he choreographed Britney's little disaster on MTV last Sunday.

Will: We'll probably be talking about that later this week.

Peter: Let's close this out with a rapid fire round.

Will: Chris Berman.

Peter: Carrot Top. Especially the new, jacked-up Carrot Top.

Will: Billy Zane.

Peter: Celine Dion.

Will: Freddie Prinze, Jr.

Peter: Dustin Diamond.

Will: Matthew Lillard.

Peter: Ron Silver.

Will: Jim Belushi.

Peter: Skeet Ulrich.

Will: Jamie Kennedy.

Peter: Chris Kattan.

Will: Tommy Lee.

Peter: Shia Leboeuf.

Will: The Rock.

Peter: Kathy Griffin.

Will: Jared Leto.

Peter: Larry the Cable Guy.

Will: Nick Carter.

Peter: Gilbert Gottfried.

Will: Chris Klein.

Peter: Fran Drescher.

Will: I think that's a good ending point. I'm out of hate.

Booties 4 Booty

2007-09-06T08:56:00.000-05:00

Courtesy EDSBS, this is certain to be without a doubt the most fantastic Heisman trophy campaign ever. Oh sure, Oregon bought Joey Harrington a billboard in Times Square, and the University of Memphis designed a race car for DeAngelo Williams, but those campaigns, like all others before them, lacked one key ingredient: ass.

Booties 4 Booty changes all that. It's the best weapon USC's John David Booty has in the Heisman battle. Other than his QB ability, but whatever.

By the way, it's not too late for Eastern Illinois fans to start up a campaign for this guy.

Picture Time: This Enormous Cat

2007-09-05T12:16:00.001-05:00

Peter: I can't stop laughing at this picture. The look on that cat's face is hilarious.

Will: How is it possible for a cat to get that large? I mean, do you have to feed it entire steaks for weeks at a time?

Peter: The head is so big, but the face is so small. And yet the face says so much - "Don't fuck with me, asshole. Just because I'm a morbidly obese cat doesn't mean I can't fuck you up."

Will: "I've fucking eaten people smaller than you."

Peter: "If you get between me and my 38 pounds of Fancy Feast, I will make your life a living hell."

Will: The paw speaks volumes - it's like,"Heeeeyyyyyyy! Meeee-ow, sailor!"

Peter: You don't see a lot of fat gay cats these days. Don't tell Jerry Lewis. By the way, do we know if this cat can actually walk? I'm pretty sure his kitty knees would shatter as soon as his owner puts him on the ground.

Will: Wouldn't his legs just disappear as soon as you put him on the ground anyway?

Peter: Like some kind of hovercat.

Will: And what's the owner so damn happy about? "Hee hee - my cat weighs more than I do!"

Peter: "My cat is about to suffer a massive heart attack! Woo hoo!"

Will: "My cat is so large I could fit Tommy Lee in there!"

Peter: I'm pretty sure I saw that video. I wonder if this cat has Hepatitis C, too.

Will: Maybe that's why Pam Anderson is so involved with PETA. It's the only place she can find a cat bigger than hers.

Peter: Wow. Well done. I just want to look at the picture one more time:

Perfect.

Bill Murray is Awesome

2007-09-04T17:08:00.000-05:00

Apparently, Bill Murray was just giving people rides home when he was pulled over in a golf cart.

I honestly think that one of the greatest things I have ever heard is that Bill Murray was driving a golf cart around a Scandinavian capital and was pulled over. Add that to my list of things to do before I die--either to drive around Oslo and get pulled over in a golf cart, or to catch a ride home from a party on a golf cart with Bill Murray.

I think Bill Murray is probably the most consistently funny person for the past 30 years. Only Bill Murray would get arrested on a golf cart.

BREAKING NEWS: Men Like Hot Women

2007-09-04T09:49:00.000-05:00

We're back after a long labor Day weekend, and while I realize many of you are hard at work catching up after a day off, I'd ask you to check out this story, and take a moment to thank Peter M. Todd of Indiana University for finally - FINALLY - breaking into the vault of the human male mind. It turns out, fellas, that we in fact are attracted to...wait for it...attractive women!

Your mind just exploded.

Here are the actual story highlights, courtesy of CNN.com:

Dating study: Men base their decisions mostly on physical attractiveness
Men are much less choosy than women
Women are aware of the importance of their own attractiveness to men

Holy shit.

Let's break down Dr. Todd's (I assume he's a doctor; something this brilliant must have come from an extremely educated mind) findings:

1. Men base their decisions mostly on physical attractiveness

I often wondered why I find myself more interested in Jessica Alba than Estelle Getty. I thought perhaps it was because Alba had a kinder heart, or perhaps because I found Estelle Getty's character in The Golden Girls to be overly bitchy - something like that. But it turns out that I like Alba more because she's hotter. Who knew?

Look closely: Alba is more attractive, and that's why you want to have sex with her. And not Estelle Getty. Lesson learned.

2. Men are much less choosy than women

Another shock discovery. It turns out that men are attracted to any woman who surpasses a certain attractiveness level. I don't know how he figured this out. It must have taken years of intense research and study. It probably wouldn't have been just as obvious by going into any bar or club at about 1 am and watching who hooks up with who. That's not the Peter Todd method.

3. Women are aware of the importance of their own attractiveness to men

And finally, it seems that scientists have determined that women are aware - yes, aware - that they should try to look hot. To get male attention. This must explain at least partially why women sometimes wear shirts that partially expose their breasts - I believe Dr. Todd calls this "cleavage".

This just in: men like these and women are aware of that.

With this landmark study in mind, I've got a lot of ideas for some new research:

Humans that consume more food seem to be "fatter" than humans that consume less.
So-called "ice" appears to be nothing more than regular water, only frozen.
Adding water to dirt can in many cases create a substance known as "mud".
Humans can eliminate the feeling of thirst by consuming liquid.

I expect my funding from Indiana University to be coming shortly. If you have any other great study ideas, please add them in the comments.

Picture Time: Farty Pants

2007-08-30T12:14:00.000-05:00

Peter: Farty pants. That's really what these are called. Farty pants. Let that phrase wash over you.

Will: Looks like someone left a huge ice cream cone on the conveyor belt in the ass of the jeans as they were being made.

Peter: I didn't know Baskin-Robbins had gone into making slacks.

Will: What material is that? I think my grandmother had a couch made from that in the 70's.

Peter: I picture a guy asking a street magician to make him a balloon bouquet. The guy saw the bouquet, told the magician it was crap (and, to be fair, it is), and the magician then shoved the balloon up the guy's ass. That's what I see.

Will: Is this a Rorschach test or something?

Peter: Ink blots are so last century. Farty pants are the psychological weapons of the future.

Will: What would possess someone to hand make these things? Who's sitting around one night and says, "I know, I'll sew a big fucking ice cream cone coming out of the ass of my 35-year-old pants!" I just don't get it.

Peter: Yeah, I know. But what if it's actually some kind of science fair exhibit representing a zoomed in view of an ass molecule or something? Some kind of anal diorama, maybe. That would make sense.

Will: An interesting theory. Maybe that's what Matt LeBlanc just thought of in that picture below.

Peter: "Ass molecules! Of course! These pants will be every bit as successful as Ed was!"

Will: "Or Joey, for that matter!"

Peter: Matt LeBlanc is an idiot.

Picture Time: Matt LeBlanc

2007-08-29T13:00:00.000-05:00

Will: Is he doing an advertisement for "Beardenthal?" Is that OJ's brother?

Peter: He looks like Fidel Castro's grandson.

Will: I guess he's not Friends with a Schick Quattro.

Peter: Why does he look so smug? Like he just said something really profound and is letting it sink in. What could Matt LeBlanc, star of Ed, have said that could possibly be so profound?

Will: "That monkey plays baseball."

Peter: "Man, this script for Joey is gold."

Will: "I know what would be good for my career after Friends. To do a show with Drea di Matteo."

Peter: Who the hell is that?

Will: I don't know, but I think she's Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird.

Peter: Did you meet her in the men's room at K-Mart?

Will: Yeah, we made out for hours. And then we parted ways, never to see each other again.

Peter: What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, monkey movies. They're awesome.

Those Little Guys Sure Can Fight

2007-08-29T11:32:00.000-05:00

While not midget porn, this certainly qualifies as entertaining. If anyone knows how to get a ticket for one of these matches, let me know. My favorite part is either the kick towards the end of the video or the commentator yelling "OOH! OOH!! OOH!!" over and over.

Miss Teen South Carolina Wasn't the First

2007-08-29T09:13:00.000-05:00

With this post, I believe we now officially become the one billionth blog to comment on/make fun of Miss Teen South Carolina for showing her incomparable grasp of geopolitical issues during the pageant. I can't resist - here's the video again (with subtitles!):

That really never gets old. And it sort of goes along with the whole Hills thing Will posted about earlier in the week, because this girl absolutely should be a character on the Hills. Maybe she already is. Mario Lopez is a gigantic douche, so he'd fit right in on the Hills too. It's a natural.

Anyway, back to the original point of this post. I had a bit of a hunch that maybe, just maybe, Miss Teen South Carolina wasn't the first pageant contestant to give a stupid or weird answer to a question. Guess what? I was right. Turns out that, in fact, other women have screwed up! And it's funny! So let's watch...

Contestant 1: Miss Hawaii 1992

This intelligent, well thought-out answer sort of made me think of two different movie quotes:

You have got to feel embarrassed when even B-list TV "star" Alan Thicke makes fun of you. That's like Gerardo insulting your musical talents.

Contestant 2: Miss Uncomfortable Silence 2006

I'm impressed that she finished. It took her about an hour, but she did it. Even though the audience tried quite hard to usher her off the stage, she was not leaving until she got her answer out completely. You go girl. Also, what is going on in the background? Sounds like someone is jamming out on the bouzouki.

Ninjas Own the Oregon Night

2007-08-28T16:48:00.001-05:00

Apparently, ninjas attacked Rogue River, Oregon. I remember when I wanted to dress up as a ninja and climb trees "just like a squirrel." Wait, no I don't. Because I was five.

I can't decide what my favorite part of this story is. The fact that the three teens were 15 and 16, the fact that the sheriff said "I believe that's our roof-gliding ninja," the fact that they were active for a year and a half, or the fact that one of them called the sheriff's department to inquire about the legality of dressing as a ninja and running across rooftops.

When I was in college, there was a group of people in our dorm that played a real-life fantasy game and dressed as vampires multiple nights a week.

Your title
Which is worse, dressing as a ninja as a 16 year old or dressing as a vampire as a freshman in college?

16 year old criminal ninja
18 year old vampire

view results

Remember folks, nerds are paying attention here.

The Truest Thing You'll See All day

2007-08-28T15:00:00.000-05:00

This video is 100% correct. I think my favorite is either "Never Fouls Guy" or "Baller the Kid." When I used to play pickup at Rhodes, there was always a 10 year old that walked in off the street and was unbelievable.

Apparently I Was on Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?

2007-08-27T11:11:00.000-05:00

Our executive producer at the station, and a dear friend, Keith "Cobra" Parker came to work today and immediately told me that I must have a twin. Not only that, but my twin was on the (ahem) brilliant Jeff Foxworthy show Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? last night. So after a bit of web searching, I found a short video of the show - now does this really look like me? Really? I just don't see the resemblance myself.

OK, maybe there's a (very) slight facial resemblance. Maybe. But that guy is way fatter than me, isn't he? Oh, and if that's not bad enough, apparently my twin is an idiot. He went out on the first question. An informal poll conducted among the Parker family indicated that 100% of them thought it was me on the show. Vote in this poll and let me know if you agree.

Your title
Does this idiot look like me?

Yes
No

view results

My self-esteem is on the line.

The Hills

2007-08-27T10:29:00.000-05:00

I don't watch The Hills. I've seen a couple of scenes from it in the 2 (3?) years it's been on. I do know very vaguely what's going on, thanks to Stop Yelling At Me and my girlfriend, who loves the show. Here's The Hills in a nutshell--at least what I can gather:
--Hot rich girls who love drama and have terrible taste in men fight amongst themselves, act like they have a job that means something, and go eat at expensive restaurants.
That's basically it, although of course oversimplified.

One thing that is a given with every show is the constant disbelief about Heidi's continued relationship with Spencer. I've never talked to anyone who actually liked Spencer. From the costars to everyone who watches the show--no one has ever liked Spencer, for good reason. He's an enormous douchebag, and to top it off, is a big a-hole. Also, he's not all that attractive, so I guess he hits the bad boyfriend trifecta. Congratulations to him I guess.

But I've found a silver lining in The Hills, even though I will probably never watch a show ever again. Maybe the purpose of The Hills is not as inane as I originally thought it to be.

Here's the thing--The Hills is exaggerated reality. The drama, the attractiveness, the douchebaggery, the money--everything is exaggerated. A lot of women I know date guys like Spencer. If one of my friends watches the show and says to herself, "Hey. Spencer does the same crap that my boyfriend does. I hate Spencer," and that little light bulb goes off in their head, then the show is worth being inane and ridiculous. Maybe the show isn't just mindless entertainment, as I originally thought it to be. Maybe the purpose of the show is to show us how ridiculous we young people can be sometimes, how we take little things and make a big deal out of them, and how we date complete wastes of life and somehow stay with them.

Or maybe I'm giving MTV too much credit.

A Couple of Videos - One Funny, One Crazy

2007-08-26T14:50:00.000-05:00

Bob Odenkirk is hilarious. I hope some of you watched Mr. Show (with Bob and David Cross), because it was absolutely one of the funniest shows in the history of television. Bob's got a new venture called Comedy by the Numbers, which is fantastic. Here's one of the videos (language a bit NSFW):

The other video comes from E!'s The Soup - Elijah Wood guest-starred on some new Nickelodeon show called Yo Gabba Gabba. His appearance is weird enough, but the other part of the show on this video is insane. I'm not a parent, so maybe I don't know, but this kind of stuff can't be good for children, can it? I fear for the kids watching this.

NASCAR Strategy: Drive Fast

2007-08-25T13:44:00.000-05:00

The Onion News Network is awesome.

My Contract Demands

2007-08-24T11:50:00.001-05:00

For those that don't know, Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard is a huge star. Huger than any other soccer star, or human being for that matter, on Earth. In case you wanted confirmation of this fact, take a look at the demands in the contract he recently signed with Chelsea. Apparently some people are saying this might be satire, but dammit, I hope it's true. Check out some of the highlights:

"Mr Lampard is to be provided in his dressing room with a fresh, sealed flask of CKin2U aftershave splash, Paco Rabanne BlackXS balm or Giorgio Beverly Hills - Wings for Men for each game, home and away."
"Mr. Lampard is to be addressed as "Mr. Lampard" at all times, including in the match day programme, by the match announcer and by all other players, including on the pitch, with the exception of Mr. John Terry."
"The match day announcer is to read Mr. Lampard's name in a louder and more enthusiastic voice than the other players, with the exception of Mr. Terry."
"Employees of Chelsea Football Club, including the playing staff, are not to make eye contact with Mr. Lampard in the dressing room or on the field of play, even when celebrating goals or congratulating Mr. Lampard on his exceptional play, with the exception of Mr. John Terry."

This may seem excessive to some of you, but you really should see the contract I signed with Will to be a part of this site. Here are some of my contractual demands:

"Visitors to the site will refer to Mr. Edmiston in thought and action exclusively as 'The Extraordinary Mr. Edmiston' and will post no information about Mr. Edmiston except that which extols Mr. Edmiston's dynamic personality, extraordinary looks, or his sexual prowess."

"Every time Mr. Edmiston posts on any subject, Mr. Edmiston will be provided with one (1) sanitized, brand-new luxury keyboard with keys made of either ivory or gold. Mr. Edmiston will also require the use of one (1) assistant to maneuver his luxury mouse for him. Said assistant must never look at or think about Mr. Edmiston, except to marvel at Mr. Edmiston's unquestioned awesomeness."

"Will Askew will not make eye contact with Mr. Edmiston, nor can Will Askew's eyes gaze upon Mr. Edmiston for longer than a period of two (2) seconds without noting out loud 'how marvelous it is to work with someone of Mr. Edmiston's stature'. Will Askew must only refer to Mr. Edmiston as 'The Great Mr. Edmiston' and is limited to twenty (20) words spoken to Mr. Edmiston per day."

"Mr Edmiston's office must contain all of the following items: one (1) bottle of Aqua Velva aftershave, two hundred fifty (250) individually-wrapped Starburst-brand candies (cherry and lemon flavors only), 3.75 liters of water dredged from the Tigris river and placed in a bucket made from African oak, an individual lavatory that has an aroma of fresh jasmine, cherry blossoms, and 'new car' smell with a toilet seat made from an actual cloud."

So you can see that Frank Lampard's requests are actually quite reasonable. As are mine. Please adhere to my stipulations at all times. Thank you.

-The Extraordinary Mr. Edmiston

The Trampoline - Children's Playtoy or Vicious Backyard Killer?

2007-08-23T17:11:00.000-05:00

10 Things I Hate about Julia Stiles

2007-08-23T17:08:00.000-05:00

What's up with Julia Stiles? Where has she been? Wasn't she hot at one point? Now she looks like Fergie wearing a swatch from my grandmother's sofa. I think I saw that ring at Spencer's.

The 2007 Tennessee WR Playbook

2007-08-23T10:28:00.000-05:00

I have to credit the fine people over at Loser With Socks for unearthing this amazing gem. Somehow a Tennessee fan managed to smuggle the Volunteer WR playbook out of Knoxville and put it on the web. The secrets within are astounding and will no doubt lead to another Tennessee national title.

READ THE PLAYBOOK

Big Red!

2007-08-22T18:09:00.000-05:00

I think there's a real simple beauty to Big Red. I mean, listen to the lyrics: "He's big, big, big...and he's red, red, red; that's how he got to earn the name Big Red." I like how he had to earn the name Big Red. You don't just go giving names like Big Red to any old toy out there - he's gotta be big, big, big and red, red, red. And so it is with Big Red. Well done, Bleego.

Fact of the Day

2007-08-22T17:11:00.000-05:00

(from PresentationZen)

Unintentional Comedy

2007-08-22T15:39:00.000-05:00

For some ungodly reason, the Encore Love channel showed 24 straight hours of Dirty Dancing yesterday. I think it may be the funniest movie I've ever seen. I literally could not watch 5 minutes at a time without hysterically laughing ("Johnny?!").
Every woman I know loves this movie, and I don't understand why. It's essentially Footloose with sex. And, according to IMDB, Patrick Swayze received a Golden Globe nomination for this movie. If that doesn't tell you how shitty the 80's were, I don't know what will.
So to recap, Dirty Dancing gave us "She's Like the Wind," "Nobody puts Baby in a corner," and Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, and we still like it. If that's not insight into our society, I don't know what is.

Go back to your playpen, Baby.

Welcome

2007-08-22T12:30:00.000-05:00

This is where me and Will are going to be bringing you the internet stuff you need on a regular basis. Sports? Sure, some. Entertainment? Why not? Politics? A bit. Midget porn? Um...possibly.

Pictured: Some douche who's neither Peter nor Will

It's basically an amalgamation of greatness. Be generous with the comments and suggestions. Hope you enjoy.