These Enormous Children

• "Mr Lampard is to be provided in his dressing room with a fresh, sealed flask of CKin2U aftershave splash, Paco Rabanne BlackXS balm or Giorgio Beverly Hills - Wings for Men for each game, home and away."
• "Mr. Lampard is to be addressed as "Mr. Lampard" at all times, including in the match day programme, by the match announcer and by all other players, including on the pitch, with the exception of Mr. John Terry."
• "The match day announcer is to read Mr. Lampard's name in a louder and more enthusiastic voice than the other players, with the exception of Mr. Terry."
• "Employees of Chelsea Football Club, including the playing staff, are not to make eye contact with Mr. Lampard in the dressing room or on the field of play, even when celebrating goals or congratulating Mr. Lampard on his exceptional play, with the exception of Mr. John Terry."

1. "Visitors to the site will refer to Mr. Edmiston in thought and action exclusively as 'The Extraordinary Mr. Edmiston' and will post no information about Mr. Edmiston except that which extols Mr. Edmiston's dynamic personality, extraordinary looks, or his sexual prowess."



2. "Every time Mr. Edmiston posts on any subject, Mr. Edmiston will be provided with one (1) sanitized, brand-new luxury keyboard with keys made of either ivory or gold. Mr. Edmiston will also require the use of one (1) assistant to maneuver his luxury mouse for him. Said assistant must never look at or think about Mr. Edmiston, except to marvel at Mr. Edmiston's unquestioned awesomeness."



3. "Will Askew will not make eye contact with Mr. Edmiston, nor can Will Askew's eyes gaze upon Mr. Edmiston for longer than a period of two (2) seconds without noting out loud 'how marvelous it is to work with someone of Mr. Edmiston's stature'. Will Askew must only refer to Mr. Edmiston as 'The Great Mr. Edmiston' and is limited to twenty (20) words spoken to Mr. Edmiston per day."



4. "Mr Edmiston's office must contain all of the following items: one (1) bottle of Aqua Velva aftershave, two hundred fifty (250) individually-wrapped Starburst-brand candies (cherry and lemon flavors only), 3.75 liters of water dredged from the Tigris river and placed in a bucket made from African oak, an individual lavatory that has an aroma of fresh jasmine, cherry blossoms, and 'new car' smell with a toilet seat made from an actual cloud."