These Enormous Children

Our disproportionate strength will help us rise up and destroy the world.

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If Rappers Charted
Thursday, November 29, 2007

Just think how much more interesting math would have been...

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posted by Will Askew @ 1:51 PM   0 comments
"Like Darren McFadden! Baby!!"
Monday, November 26, 2007

With the news that our friend Houston Nutt will not return next year as the Razorback head coach, I present to you my favorite on-field interview of all time, barely edging out Joe Kines and Ed Orgeron. Ladies and gentlemen, Houston Nutt.

Favorite parts--
1. "Like Darren McFadden! Baby!!"
2. The way he points at Tracy Wolfson, like he's lecturing her.
3. "A football player." (walks away)
posted by Will Askew @ 2:03 PM   0 comments
Let the Green Team Show You How to Save the Environment
Monday, November 19, 2007
posted by Will Askew @ 10:42 PM   0 comments
Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians
Friday, November 16, 2007

It's a site called Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians. What more do I have to say, people? Get to clickin'!
posted by Peter @ 12:46 PM   0 comments
Your Search For My Christmas Present is Over
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Ladies and gentlemen, it is with barely contained glee that I type this. I hope you're ready for the unbridled incredibleness this news embodies. Without further ado, I tell you:

ZUBAZ ARE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you not alive when Zubaz first made their appearance, Zubaz combined sweatpants, zebras, and LSD to create the kind of workout pants that blew everyone's minds. Check out these badass photos of superstars and mortals alike rocking those killer ZUBAZ:

Road Warriors Hawk and Animal take time out from their busy schedule of beating the piss out of the Bushwhackers to show you some serious ZUBAZ action.

If they're good enough for this guy, they're damn sure good enough for you. Looks kind of like Dan Marino, doesn't it?

Since I can't really see who these guys are, I'm going to assume this is Lou Gossett, Jr. and Mario Lopez.

I think these are the Easter ZUBAZ.

So all I'm saying is that I fully expect in ZUBAZ by January. They're the perfect clothing for work, school, a casual night out, or a wedding.
posted by Peter @ 7:49 PM   1 comments
Peter Doesn't See Good Movies

Will: It appears that Peter's distaste for foods that most of us find good has gotten quite a response. What's worse, though, are the movies Peter has seen as opposed to those he has not seen. It's shameful, really.

Peter: I wouldn't say it's shameful. That's the wrong way to look at it.

Will: No, Peter. It's shameful. This all springs from my comment this morning about how excited I was about The Dark Knight, because I loved Batman Begins.

Peter: To which I obviously said, "I never saw Batman Begins." Which, to be fair, isn't like some fucking cinema classic or anything. I don't see why you're showing me hostility for not seeing Batman Begins. I take a different approach to movies that most people, apparently. I don't really love movies that much.

Will: Batman Begins is the best Batman movie. And The Godfather is arguably the greatest movie ever made. And you haven't seen that, either. There are certain movies, even if you don't really like movies all that much, that you just see. The Godfather is one.

Peter: OK, name me some movies that I should see. And no, I haven't seen The Godfather, or The Godfather Part II, or III. But just name them one by one, and I'll tell you if I've seen it.

Will: Don't worry about not seeing Part III. It sucks. How about Fletch? There's a movie that's on TV so much you almost have to actively avoid watching it.

Peter: Never seen it.

Will: How about Ferris Bueller's Day Off?

Peter: I've seen most of it. Enough to get the gist.

Will: Wow. How about A Christmas Story?

Peter: I love that movie. I would absolutely contend that it is impossible for any American to not see that movie. It is literally on around the clock during the holidays. It's classic - the "Oh, fudge!" line cracks me up every time.

Will: If you hadn't seen that, you don't have a TV. While we're on Christmas movies, how about It's a Wonderful Life?

Peter: Nope. Something about Jimmy Stewart and a ghost and a bank, right? Sounds promising.

Will: How can you not have seen that movie? It's on every year at the same time!

Peter: Apparently I was doing something else with my life every year at the same time.

Will: I don't think I would be as offended as I am by this whole situation if you hadn't both seen Kung Pao: Enter the Fist and thought it was hilarious.

Peter: Not this again. People should know you've held this over my head for years. Yes, I did go to see KP: ETF in the theaters, and yes, I did laugh at some of the scenes. I also readily admitted that some of the movie was really quite bad. But dammit, there were one or two scenes that made me (and friends of mine) laugh so hard I cried.

Will: That is an unforgivable sin in my view. If this were a Puritan colony, I would sew a "KP" on your chest and you would be a social outcast.

Peter: Open your mind! Anyway, throw me a few more movies. And justify your selections.

Will: You're telling me to open my mind? Please. How about the Star Wars movies? The first three made, at least. Classics, all three.

Peter: I've seen the first two, but not the third. It took me 25 years of life to see them, but I eventually did. Actually, despite the extraordinary amounts of nerdery that has emerged as a result of Star Wars, I quite enjoyed the movies. C3PO was gay, right?

Will: Just because he had an effete British accent didn't mean he was gay. He's a robot without a penis or hormones. It's impossible for him to have sexual preference. By the way, how could you not have watched the third movie? Didn't you want to see what happened? The end of The Empire Strikes Back is one of the great cliffhangers in movie history!

Peter: Eh. Didn't really grab me. Good guys win, right? Luke remains a Jedi and the Empire goes down - isn't that right? And robots could be gay, by the way. They could be programmed to have genitalia and to attempt to robo-copulate with another robot with similar genitalia. We have the technology. Speaking of which, I have seen Robocop, before you ask. A damn fine movie.

Will: I wasn't going to ask about Robocop. I will ask, though, have you seen the Indiana Jones movies? Everyone saw those.

Peter: I did see all of them. Possibly the finest historical fiction trilogy out there. Temple of Doom is a particular favorite of mine. However, I have not seen Citizen Kane, and yet I have seen Trial & Error, with Jeff Daniels and Michael Richards. Go figure that. In fact, here's the plan: for every great movie you list that I haven't seen, I'll give you a shitbox movie I HAVE seen.

Will: Okay, sounds good. Lawrence of Arabia.

Peter: Haven't seen it, but I have seen Ladybugs, with Jonathan Brandis and Rodney Dangerfield.

Will: How about North by Northwest? Great Hitchcock movie with some classic scenes.

Peter: I'm sure it was, but I was too busy watching Troll II. I'm going to put a clip below so you can get a feel for how terrible this movie is. I am not exaggerating when I say it is the worst creation in the history of cinema.

Will: My God, man. How about Casablanca? Surely you've seen Casablanca.

Peter: I think we had to watch that in one of my high school classes, but I don't remember it, so I'll tell you I have in fact seen Chairman of the Board, starring the legendary Carrot Top. For some reason. It is fucking miserably terrible, but I saw it.

Will: I will say this. As proud as I am of all the movies I have seen, I have seen some miserably bad ones also. Sorority Babes in Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama comes to mind.

Peter: But i think that was supposed to be bad, right? Like the "so bad, it's good" kind of thing?

Will: Well, maybe that was the intent. But it was just so bad. Not good. The bottom line is, all of us have seen bad movies, but balance them out with good ones. You've just seen more bad movies than most of us, and fewer good. It's sad.

Peter: It's not sad. Yes, I have seen It's Pat: The Movie. No, I have not seen Platoon. Yes, I have seen virtually every Police Academy movie. No, I have not had time to watch The Shawshank Redemption. Yes, I did see Mannequin 2: On the Move. But am I so different from you?

Will: Yes. Yes you are.
posted by Will Askew @ 11:06 AM   0 comments
My Food Manifesto
Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Hi, my name is Peter, and I don't like lots of foods that you probably love. Does that sound like such a bad thing? I don't think so, yet it seems that concept is enough to drive most people to question my sanity and/or intelligence.

Case in point: butter. Everyone loves this. I hate it. I hate the smell, I hate the taste, I hate it hot, cold, melted or frozen. I hate butter. This freaks people out. Honestly, people cannot conceive of a world where someone can't stand butter. In fact, as I was typing this post, a coworker of mine came over and said, "How can you not like butter?" It's a question I hear often. I don't have any idea why I like some things, and hate some other things.

Here's my message to all of you: don't treat me like an outcast just because I don't like the foods you do. I'm a man just like you (unless you're a woman). I don't deserve to be scolded every time I refuse to put butter on or near my food.

So here, for the first time in print, is the comprehensive list of foods I don't like:
  • Buttera
  • Cheeseb
  • Ranchc
  • Sour cream
  • All condimentsd
  • Basically every salad dressinge
  • Avocado (and therefore guacamole by association)
  • Certain vegetables (pickles, cucumber, beets, turnips, Brussels sprouts, bok choy, green peppers, and several others)
  • Tuna/chicken/pasta salad
  • Nutsf
  • Grits
  • Pimiento cheeseg
  • Coconut

OK, look. Just so you know, I eat lots of stuff with butter in it and I cook with butter, too. As long as I can't taste it, throw it in my meal. But if I so much as think about tasting it, deal's off.

EXCEPTIONS: Mozzarella, provolone, sometimes American. All other cheese is terrible.

FAST FACT: This is the one that makes people the angriest.

Except ketchup. I love ketchup. And don't spell it catsup. It's ketchup.

I can tolerate thousand island or certain vinaigrettes. But I don't really like them either.

Peanuts are OK. The rest suck.

I know I already talked about cheese, but that shit is so gross it deserves its own mention.

I'm not ashamed of any of my choices. And there are others I didn't list - those are just the ones that immediately came to mind. I'm not a terribly picky eater, but I likes what I likes. You're just going to have to deal with it, America.
posted by Peter @ 8:55 AM   5 comments
Darren McFadden is Football Zeus
Monday, November 5, 2007

One cannot wrap his or her mind around this touchdown run. It is greatness, the likes of which we may have never seen before.
posted by Will Askew @ 3:15 PM   1 comments
I'm Just Saying, Vol. 1
Friday, November 2, 2007

--Is it just me, or can John Cusack not do a movie without his sister and vice versa?

Now, obviously, that's a rhetorical question, because I'm sure that John and Joan have done plenty of movies without each other, but damn, it seems like they're always in the same movie. This comes on the heels of my learning that John and Joan are in the recent release Martian Child. Looking at their respective IMDb pages (John here, Joan here), in actuality, they have only been in 6 movies just seems like they're separated at the hip. I'm just saying.

--Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year, for many reasons. When I was a kid, I loved the candy. In high school and college, it was for the parties. Now, it's because of the skimpy outfits. And my new car.
I got a new car on Halloween this year. An '08 Ford Fusion that replaced my '95 Explorer. Now, needless to say, this is a huge step up. Also, I found out today that on the way from the lot where I left my traded in Explorer to the lot of the wholesaler, the transmission went out. Thanks for the $1500!
Oh yeah, Halloween. what other holiday could you have someone dressed like this:

I guess this is supposed to be Snow White. But Halloween is the only time you could see a woman dressed in this "Snow White" costume. I'm just saying.

--This for my blogmate, Peter Edmiston, a huge Redskins fan. This site is a Redskins fan site...I think maybe before you start the website, you need to check and see what the name of it looks like before they put the site up. If I typed in "" into my home computer, my girlfriend would have some serious questions for me. Try "" I'm just saying.
posted by Will Askew @ 3:48 PM   1 comments
Possibly the Most Redneck Thing You Will See All Day
Tuesday, October 30, 2007

This takes "being red" to a whole new level.
posted by Will Askew @ 4:30 PM   1 comments
About Us
In August 2007, there was a tragic accident at a laboratory in Memphis, Tennessee. From the carnage emerged two enormous children with disproportionate strength and writing ability. This is their story.
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