A source close to the Mission Impossible star says the hide-away based at his Colorado mansion in Telluride, is 'a self-contained underground system where up to 10 people can survive for years.' The bunker will be installed with 'a state of the art air purification system' and has storage space for survival equipment and years worth of supplies. According to internet sources, Scientologist believe the evil deposed galactic ruler 'Xenu' is planning an imminent revenge attack on earth."
This is why I could never live in Hollywood. Everyone's f'ing crazy. Only batshit insane people could believe that aliens are coming to destroy the Earth. I have a theory about why everyone in Hollywood is crazy...The people in Hollywood are the same people that you thought were nerdy and crazy in high school that didn't go to college because they wanted to be actors. They never developed any social skills because they were awkward and their parents pushed them to act. They grew out of their awkward phase and ended up being good looking, but remained insane, and they're all in one place. I bet I could count the number of normal people in Hollywood.
Hence Scientology being so popular out there. How else could it possibly be explained?
Often I have talked of Summer Colors Frankenstein, and how I think it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. No one gets it, until now. Not to be outdone by Produce Pete, I present to you: Summer Colors Frankenstein and Tourett's Syndrome Mayor McCheese. Enjoy.
You may recall that in an earlier post, Will and I discussed entertainers we liked, and that one of those entertainers was Steve Carell. I talked about how much I enjoyed his Produce Pete segments on the Daily Show, but I lamented the fact that there were no clips of it available on the Internet to show you. Thanks to me, that has changed.
Here's some Produce Pete segments to get us started.
Will: Because we spewed so much hate last week, we thought it would be a better idea to spew some love.
Peter: Come on, man. That's gross. I'm not spewing love on the internet any more. Those days are over.
Will: Your mind is in the gutter, Edmiston. As always. Anyway, to me this list has to begin with Vince Vaughn, even though he essentially plays the same character in every movie he's in.
Peter: I love that character. He's getting kind of stale to me, though. I no longer have the same level of excitement when I see him in a preview as I did a few years back. Fred Claus looks pretty funny, though.
Will: A few years back, like when he was in Clay Pigeons or Psycho?
Peter: I went to see Psycho. I regret it now. But there you go - I rarely go see non-comedies at theaters, and Vince Vaughn made me go. So your point is valid. Obviously, I have to go with Will Ferrell next. The guy has made some really bad movies, yes, but the highs FAR outstrip the lows. Hilarious.
Will: And he knows it too. I think it's going to get to the point where he makes the most ridiculous movie possible knowing full well everyone will still go see it.
Peter:A Night at the Roxbury, Bewitched, Kicking and Screaming - you don't stay popular after making shit like that unless you are fantastic. That said, I hope he steers clear of the "over-the-top character in a fringe/offbeat sport" motif from here on.
Will: It's clear that formula is working for him. He's starring as an ABA player from the 70's in his next movie.
Peter: Next up, I predict we'll see him as "Bert Nunchuck", a pompous miniature golfer who learns about life and love.
Will: At the risk of sounding like we're picking everyone from the same movies, Steve Carell is another one. Ever since "Even Stevphen" on the Daily Show, I've loved the guy.
Peter: Produce Pete was my favorite Steve Carell bit on the Daily Show. And somehow it's like the only thing you can't find online. We linked all the Even Stevphen bits above, and yet I can't find jack shit on Produce Pete. That makes me angry.
Will: Maybe Produce Pete is a figment of your imagination.
Peter: I know it happened. OK, fine - if I can't talk about that, how about his performance on the Office? It's my favorite show on TV right now.
Will: Agreed. He is a fantastically awkward genius.
Peter: All right, here's one I know you'll love: Chris Farley. I know he's dead, but during his brief run on this earth, the man generated so much comedy. He had so much manic energy and he was impossible to look away from. Plus, it was his giant toddler character that gave us the inspiration for the name of this site.
Will: 15 years after the fact, the Chippendale's sketch with Patrick Swayze remains my favorite SNL sketch of all time.
Peter: That was awesome. I also loved Nerf Crotch Bat, which contained the classic line: "Nerf + crotch = lots of fun!".
Will: As far as the female side of things is concerned, I found myself engrossed by Into the Blue because Jessica Alba was always in a bikini. I couldn't focus on Titans/Colts because of her.
Peter: So let me get this straight? You like funny guys, but you're only interested in hot women?
Will: Pretty much.
Peter: See, I like Dame Judi Dench and Kathy Bates.
(long pause)
All right, I'm just as superficial as you. Jessica Alba is hot and I like to watch her be hot.
Will: I knew you'd come around.
Peter: Elisha Cuthbert. That's all I have to say. The hottest chick to come out of Canada since Anne Murray.
Will: The problem with Elisha Cuthbert is that she's not in very much. I mean, The Girl Next Door is must-view material.
Peter: Yeah, Cuthbert as a porn star is pretty much awesome in every way something can be awesome. Here's another one: I actually quite like Tina Fey. Really smart and funny. 30 Rock is a phenomenal show.
Will: Love the glasses. That's pretty much all I got. Wait a second. How have we not talked about Bill Murray yet?
Peter: We are retarded.
Will: We must be. He may be the funniest actor of the last 30 years.
Peter: He just radiates funny. It's hard to explain, but if you've seen him in person, it's amazing the charisma the guy has. Plus, "Big" Ern McCracken.
That's all I have to say.
Will: What can I possibly say about Bill Murray that wasn't said in that video?
Peter: How about John C. Reilly? The guy one hell of an actor and is funny to boot. He was overlooked for a long time, but I loved his performance in Boogie Nights and his new movie Walk Hard looks fantastic.
Will: Only a true talent can pull off being in both Chicago and Talladega Nights.
This woman seems stable. I feel like she's got a firm grasp on her emotions. If she's not a fighter pilot, or a sniper, or some other kind of job requiring coolness under pressure, I would be shocked.
Peter: I was watching football the other day, and a commercial for the new motion picture sensation Good Luck Chuck came on, and it brought up a thought: I don't care how hot Jessica Alba is, it's just not worth watching Dane Cook flail around like a coked up retard on the screen. So here's the question: which performer or performers will make you actively avoid a movie/TV show/whatever just because of their presence?
Will: Dane Cook is certainly a good starting point. He's like old Jim Carrey on speed, which is saying something.
Peter: But old Jim Carrey was funny. Dane Cook is not.
Will: True. It's the same style, but with way less talent. Peter: OK, how about this one: Carlos Mencia. First of all, his whole shtick is about him being Mexican - and he's not even actually Mexican! His real name is actually Ned Holness and he's half-Honduran and half-German. He is 100% jackoff, though.
Will: I completely agree with you. How "Mind of Mencia" keeps getting picked up is beyond me. Is there a more douchebag name than "Ned Holness"?
Peter: No. I hate that guy. He is actually worse than Dane Cook, and that is a remarkable feat.
Will: I'm also going to have to say that Paul Walker annoys the shit out of me for some reason. He's the very definition of someone who's on screen because they're attractive.
Peter: You're attracted to Paul Walker?
Will: Yes. He's hot. You know what I mean, asshole.
Peter: I really didn't remember much about that guy other than his brilliant performance in 2 Fast 2 Furious, but as I look over Paul Walker's IMDB page, he's got quite a resume of playing stupidly-named characters in bad movies. I think "Caleb Mandrake" in The Skulls is my personal favorite. That movie was terrible.
Will: I'm partial to his performance as "Joey Gazelle" in Running Scared, a forgotten classic.
Peter: Paul Walker sucks. He's on my list. Another guy whose movies I actively will avoid is Rob Schneider. Sweet jimmy does he suck. He is the very opposite of funny. He either plays a Hispanic idiot, a Cajun idiot, a sex-addicted idiot, or a cross-dressing idiot.
Will: He peaked when he played Tiny Elvis on SNL. He's made an entire career out of saying, "You can do eeettttt!!!!!"
Peter: He's like a modern-day Urkel.
Will: I avoid Tom Cruise.
Peter: Really? He's a weirdo, definitely, but he's not a bad actor.
Will: There's just this sawed-off arrogance about him that I don't like. I would have seen War of the Worlds if it had starred anyone else.
Peter: I can't agree with you there. Pint-size L. Ron Hubbard is a pretty good actor. Will: Lindsay Lohan. What a train wreck. She's awful. I can't watch anything she's in.
Peter: What is she in? Rehab? I can't remember the last Lohan movie I even thought about.
Will: That's my point. No one thinks about her movies, and yet somehow she's a huge star. I Know Who Killed Me made like 10 bucks but people still care about her.
Cobra: I hate Sigourney Weaver. And I cannot stand Shirley MacLaine.
Peter: Cobra? Great to see you! How did you get in here?
Will: For those that don't know, Cobra is our buddy from work. He just happened to overhear this conversation.
Cobra: That's all I wanted to add, really. Just hate those two.
Peter: Keep up the good work. What about Criss Angel? What is with this clown? Just looking at his tattoo-covered, piercing-infested, gothtastic body makes me want to kick him right in the balls.
Will: And who spells their name Criss? And he slept with Britney Spears, so that tells you something right there.
Peter: Plus, he choreographed Britney's little disaster on MTV last Sunday.
Will: We'll probably be talking about that later this week.
Peter: Let's close this out with a rapid fire round. Will: Chris Berman.
Peter: Carrot Top. Especially the new, jacked-up Carrot Top.
Will: Billy Zane.
Peter: Celine Dion.
Will: Freddie Prinze, Jr.
Peter: Dustin Diamond. Will: Matthew Lillard.
Peter: Ron Silver.
Will: Jim Belushi.
Peter: Skeet Ulrich.
Will: Jamie Kennedy.
Peter: Chris Kattan.
Will: Tommy Lee.
Peter: Shia Leboeuf.
Will: The Rock.
Peter: Kathy Griffin.
Will: Jared Leto.
Peter: Larry the Cable Guy.
Will: Nick Carter.
Peter: Gilbert Gottfried.
Will: Chris Klein.
Peter: Fran Drescher.
Will: I think that's a good ending point. I'm out of hate.
Courtesy EDSBS, this is certain to be without a doubt the most fantastic Heisman trophy campaign ever. Oh sure, Oregon bought Joey Harrington a billboard in Times Square, and the University of Memphis designed a race car for DeAngelo Williams, but those campaigns, like all others before them, lacked one key ingredient: ass.
Booties 4 Booty changes all that. It's the best weapon USC's John David Booty has in the Heisman battle. Other than his QB ability, but whatever.
By the way, it's not too late for Eastern Illinois fans to start up a campaign for this guy.
Peter: I can't stop laughing at this picture. The look on that cat's face is hilarious.
Will: How is it possible for a cat to get that large? I mean, do you have to feed it entire steaks for weeks at a time?
Peter: The head is so big, but the face is so small. And yet the face says so much - "Don't fuck with me, asshole. Just because I'm a morbidly obese cat doesn't mean I can't fuck you up."
Will: "I've fucking eaten people smaller than you."
Peter: "If you get between me and my 38 pounds of Fancy Feast, I will make your life a living hell."
Will: The paw speaks volumes - it's like,"Heeeeyyyyyyy! Meeee-ow, sailor!"
Peter: You don't see a lot of fat gay cats these days. Don't tell Jerry Lewis. By the way, do we know if this cat can actually walk? I'm pretty sure his kitty knees would shatter as soon as his owner puts him on the ground.
Will: Wouldn't his legs just disappear as soon as you put him on the ground anyway?
Peter: Like some kind of hovercat.
Will: And what's the owner so damn happy about? "Hee hee - my cat weighs more than I do!"
Peter: "My cat is about to suffer a massive heart attack! Woo hoo!"
Will: "My cat is so large I could fit Tommy Lee in there!"
Peter: I'm pretty sure I saw that video. I wonder if this cat has Hepatitis C, too.
Will: Maybe that's why Pam Anderson is so involved with PETA. It's the only place she can find a cat bigger than hers.
Peter: Wow. Well done. I just want to look at the picture one more time:
I honestly think that one of the greatest things I have ever heard is that Bill Murray was driving a golf cart around a Scandinavian capital and was pulled over. Add that to my list of things to do before I die--either to drive around Oslo and get pulled over in a golf cart, or to catch a ride home from a party on a golf cart with Bill Murray.
I think Bill Murray is probably the most consistently funny person for the past 30 years. Only Bill Murray would get arrested on a golf cart.
We're back after a long labor Day weekend, and while I realize many of you are hard at work catching up after a day off, I'd ask you to check out this story, and take a moment to thank Peter M. Todd of Indiana University for finally - FINALLY - breaking into the vault of the human male mind. It turns out, fellas, that we in fact are attracted to...wait for it...attractive women!
Your mind just exploded.
Here are the actual story highlights, courtesy of CNN.com:
Dating study: Men base their decisions mostly on physical attractiveness
Men are much less choosy than women
Women are aware of the importance of their own attractiveness to men
Holy shit.
Let's break down Dr. Todd's (I assume he's a doctor; something this brilliant must have come from an extremely educated mind) findings:
1. Men base their decisions mostly on physical attractiveness
I often wondered why I find myself more interested in Jessica Alba than Estelle Getty. I thought perhaps it was because Alba had a kinder heart, or perhaps because I found Estelle Getty's character in The Golden Girls to be overly bitchy - something like that. But it turns out that I like Alba more because she's hotter. Who knew?
Look closely: Alba is more attractive, and that's why you want to have sex with her. And not Estelle Getty. Lesson learned.
2. Men are much less choosy than women
Another shock discovery. It turns out that men are attracted to any woman who surpasses a certain attractiveness level. I don't know how he figured this out. It must have taken years of intense research and study. It probably wouldn't have been just as obvious by going into any bar or club at about 1 am and watching who hooks up with who. That's not the Peter Todd method.
3. Women are aware of the importance of their own attractiveness to men
And finally, it seems that scientists have determined that women are aware - yes, aware - that they should try to look hot. To get male attention. This must explain at least partially why women sometimes wear shirts that partially expose their breasts - I believe Dr. Todd calls this "cleavage".
This just in: men like these and women are aware of that.
With this landmark study in mind, I've got a lot of ideas for some new research:
Humans that consume more food seem to be "fatter" than humans that consume less.
So-called "ice" appears to be nothing more than regular water, only frozen.
Adding water to dirt can in many cases create a substance known as "mud".
Humans can eliminate the feeling of thirst by consuming liquid.
I expect my funding from Indiana University to be coming shortly. If you have any other great study ideas, please add them in the comments.
In August 2007, there was a tragic accident at a laboratory in Memphis, Tennessee. From the carnage emerged two enormous children with disproportionate strength and writing ability. This is their story.
