Will: It appears that Peter's distaste for foods that most of us find good has gotten quite a response. What's worse, though, are the movies Peter has seen as opposed to those he has not seen. It's shameful, really.
Peter: I wouldn't say it's shameful. That's the wrong way to look at it.
Will: No, Peter. It's shameful. This all springs from my comment this morning about how excited I was about The Dark Knight, because I loved Batman Begins.
Peter: To which I obviously said, "I never saw Batman Begins." Which, to be fair, isn't like some fucking cinema classic or anything. I don't see why you're showing me hostility for not seeing Batman Begins. I take a different approach to movies that most people, apparently. I don't really love movies that much.
Will:Batman Begins is the best Batman movie. And The Godfather is arguably the greatest movie ever made. And you haven't seen that, either. There are certain movies, even if you don't really like movies all that much, that you just see. The Godfather is one.
Peter: OK, name me some movies that I should see. And no, I haven't seen The Godfather, or The Godfather Part II, or III. But just name them one by one, and I'll tell you if I've seen it.
Will: Don't worry about not seeing Part III. It sucks. How about Fletch? There's a movie that's on TV so much you almost have to actively avoid watching it.
Peter: Never seen it.
Will: How about Ferris Bueller's Day Off?
Peter: I've seen most of it. Enough to get the gist.
Will: Wow. How about A Christmas Story?
Peter: I love that movie. I would absolutely contend that it is impossible for any American to not see that movie. It is literally on around the clock during the holidays. It's classic - the "Oh, fudge!" line cracks me up every time.
Will: If you hadn't seen that, you don't have a TV. While we're on Christmas movies, how about It's a Wonderful Life?
Peter: Nope. Something about Jimmy Stewart and a ghost and a bank, right? Sounds promising.
Will: How can you not have seen that movie? It's on every year at the same time!
Peter: Apparently I was doing something else with my life every year at the same time.
Will: I don't think I would be as offended as I am by this whole situation if you hadn't both seen Kung Pao: Enter the Fist and thought it was hilarious.
Peter: Not this again. People should know you've held this over my head for years. Yes, I did go to see KP: ETF in the theaters, and yes, I did laugh at some of the scenes. I also readily admitted that some of the movie was really quite bad. But dammit, there were one or two scenes that made me (and friends of mine) laugh so hard I cried.
Will: That is an unforgivable sin in my view. If this were a Puritan colony, I would sew a "KP" on your chest and you would be a social outcast.
Peter: Open your mind! Anyway, throw me a few more movies. And justify your selections.
Will: You're telling me to open my mind? Please. How about the Star Wars movies? The first three made, at least. Classics, all three.
Peter: I've seen the first two, but not the third. It took me 25 years of life to see them, but I eventually did. Actually, despite the extraordinary amounts of nerdery that has emerged as a result of Star Wars, I quite enjoyed the movies. C3PO was gay, right?
Will: Just because he had an effete British accent didn't mean he was gay. He's a robot without a penis or hormones. It's impossible for him to have sexual preference. By the way, how could you not have watched the third movie? Didn't you want to see what happened? The end of The Empire Strikes Back is one of the great cliffhangers in movie history!
Peter: Eh. Didn't really grab me. Good guys win, right? Luke remains a Jedi and the Empire goes down - isn't that right? And robots could be gay, by the way. They could be programmed to have genitalia and to attempt to robo-copulate with another robot with similar genitalia. We have the technology. Speaking of which, I have seen Robocop, before you ask. A damn fine movie.
Will: I wasn't going to ask about Robocop. I will ask, though, have you seen the Indiana Jones movies? Everyone saw those.
Peter: I did see all of them. Possibly the finest historical fiction trilogy out there. Temple of Doom is a particular favorite of mine. However, I have not seen Citizen Kane, and yet I have seen Trial & Error, with Jeff Daniels and Michael Richards. Go figure that. In fact, here's the plan: for every great movie you list that I haven't seen, I'll give you a shitbox movie I HAVE seen.
Will: Okay, sounds good. Lawrence of Arabia.
Peter: Haven't seen it, but I have seen Ladybugs, with Jonathan Brandis and Rodney Dangerfield.
Will: How about North by Northwest? Great Hitchcock movie with some classic scenes.
Peter: I'm sure it was, but I was too busy watching Troll II. I'm going to put a clip below so you can get a feel for how terrible this movie is. I am not exaggerating when I say it is the worst creation in the history of cinema.
Will: My God, man. How about Casablanca? Surely you've seen Casablanca.
Peter: I think we had to watch that in one of my high school classes, but I don't remember it, so I'll tell you I have in fact seen Chairman of the Board, starring the legendary Carrot Top. For some reason. It is fucking miserably terrible, but I saw it.
Will: I will say this. As proud as I am of all the movies I have seen, I have seen some miserably bad ones also. Sorority Babes in Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama comes to mind.
Peter: But i think that was supposed to be bad, right? Like the "so bad, it's good" kind of thing?
Will: Well, maybe that was the intent. But it was just so bad. Not good. The bottom line is, all of us have seen bad movies, but balance them out with good ones. You've just seen more bad movies than most of us, and fewer good. It's sad.
Peter: It's not sad. Yes, I have seen It's Pat: The Movie. No, I have not seen Platoon. Yes, I have seen virtually every Police Academy movie. No, I have not had time to watch The Shawshank Redemption. Yes, I did see Mannequin 2: On the Move. But am I so different from you?
In August 2007, there was a tragic accident at a laboratory in Memphis, Tennessee. From the carnage emerged two enormous children with disproportionate strength and writing ability. This is their story.
