Peter: Farty pants. That's really what these are called. Farty pants. Let that phrase wash over you.
Will: Looks like someone left a huge ice cream cone on the conveyor belt in the ass of the jeans as they were being made.
Peter: I didn't know Baskin-Robbins had gone into making slacks.
Will: What material is that? I think my grandmother had a couch made from that in the 70's.
Peter: I picture a guy asking a street magician to make him a balloon bouquet. The guy saw the bouquet, told the magician it was crap (and, to be fair, it is), and the magician then shoved the balloon up the guy's ass. That's what I see.
Will: Is this a Rorschach test or something?
Peter: Ink blots are so last century. Farty pants are the psychological weapons of the future.
Will: What would possess someone to hand make these things? Who's sitting around one night and says, "I know, I'll sew a big fucking ice cream cone coming out of the ass of my 35-year-old pants!" I just don't get it.
Peter: Yeah, I know. But what if it's actually some kind of science fair exhibit representing a zoomed in view of an ass molecule or something? Some kind of anal diorama, maybe. That would make sense.
Will: An interesting theory. Maybe that's what Matt LeBlanc just thought of in that picture below.
Peter: "Ass molecules! Of course! These pants will be every bit as successful as Ed was!"
Will: Is he doing an advertisement for "Beardenthal?" Is that OJ's brother?
Peter: He looks like Fidel Castro's grandson.
Will: I guess he's not Friends with a Schick Quattro.
Peter: Why does he look so smug? Like he just said something really profound and is letting it sink in. What could Matt LeBlanc, star of Ed, have said that could possibly be so profound?
Will: "That monkey plays baseball."
Peter: "Man, this script for Joey is gold."
Will: "I know what would be good for my career after Friends. To do a show with Drea di Matteo."
Peter: Who the hell is that?
Will: I don't know, but I think she's Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird.
Peter: Did you meet her in the men's room at K-Mart?
Will: Yeah, we made out for hours. And then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
Peter: What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, monkey movies. They're awesome.
While not midget porn, this certainly qualifies as entertaining. If anyone knows how to get a ticket for one of these matches, let me know. My favorite part is either the kick towards the end of the video or the commentator yelling "OOH! OOH!! OOH!!" over and over.
With this post, I believe we now officially become the one billionth blog to comment on/make fun of Miss Teen South Carolina for showing her incomparable grasp of geopolitical issues during the pageant. I can't resist - here's the video again (with subtitles!):
That really never gets old. And it sort of goes along with the whole Hills thing Will posted about earlier in the week, because this girl absolutely should be a character on the Hills. Maybe she already is. Mario Lopez is a gigantic douche, so he'd fit right in on the Hills too. It's a natural.
Anyway, back to the original point of this post. I had a bit of a hunch that maybe, just maybe, Miss Teen South Carolina wasn't the first pageant contestant to give a stupid or weird answer to a question. Guess what? I was right. Turns out that, in fact, other women have screwed up! And it's funny! So let's watch...
Contestant 1: Miss Hawaii 1992
This intelligent, well thought-out answer sort of made me think of two different movie quotes:
You have got to feel embarrassed when even B-list TV "star" Alan Thicke makes fun of you. That's like Gerardo insulting your musical talents.
Contestant 2: Miss Uncomfortable Silence 2006
I'm impressed that she finished. It took her about an hour, but she did it. Even though the audience tried quite hard to usher her off the stage, she was not leaving until she got her answer out completely. You go girl. Also, what is going on in the background? Sounds like someone is jamming out on the bouzouki.
Apparently, ninjas attacked Rogue River, Oregon. I remember when I wanted to dress up as a ninja and climb trees "just like a squirrel." Wait, no I don't. Because I was five.
I can't decide what my favorite part of this story is. The fact that the three teens were 15 and 16, the fact that the sheriff said "I believe that's our roof-gliding ninja," the fact that they were active for a year and a half, or the fact that one of them called the sheriff's department to inquire about the legality of dressing as a ninja and running across rooftops.
When I was in college, there was a group of people in our dorm that played a real-life fantasy game and dressed as vampires multiple nights a week.
This video is 100% correct. I think my favorite is either "Never Fouls Guy" or "Baller the Kid." When I used to play pickup at Rhodes, there was always a 10 year old that walked in off the street and was unbelievable.
Apparently I Was on Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?
Monday, August 27, 2007
Our executive producer at the station, and a dear friend, Keith "Cobra" Parker came to work today and immediately told me that I must have a twin. Not only that, but my twin was on the (ahem) brilliant Jeff Foxworthy show Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? last night. So after a bit of web searching, I found a short video of the show - now does this really look like me? Really? I just don't see the resemblance myself.
OK, maybe there's a (very) slight facial resemblance. Maybe. But that guy is way fatter than me, isn't he? Oh, and if that's not bad enough, apparently my twin is an idiot. He went out on the first question. An informal poll conducted among the Parker family indicated that 100% of them thought it was me on the show. Vote in this poll and let me know if you agree.
I don't watch The Hills. I've seen a couple of scenes from it in the 2 (3?) years it's been on. I do know very vaguely what's going on, thanks to Stop Yelling At Me and my girlfriend, who loves the show. Here's The Hills in a nutshell--at least what I can gather: --Hot rich girls who love drama and have terrible taste in men fight amongst themselves, act like they have a job that means something, and go eat at expensive restaurants. That's basically it, although of course oversimplified.
One thing that is a given with every show is the constant disbelief about Heidi's continued relationship with Spencer. I've never talked to anyone who actually liked Spencer. From the costars to everyone who watches the show--no one has ever liked Spencer, for good reason. He's an enormous douchebag, and to top it off, is a big a-hole. Also, he's not all that attractive, so I guess he hits the bad boyfriend trifecta. Congratulations to him I guess.
But I've found a silver lining in The Hills, even though I will probably never watch a show ever again. Maybe the purpose of The Hills is not as inane as I originally thought it to be.
Here's the thing--The Hills is exaggerated reality. The drama, the attractiveness, the douchebaggery, the money--everything is exaggerated. A lot of women I know date guys like Spencer. If one of my friends watches the show and says to herself, "Hey. Spencer does the same crap that my boyfriend does. I hate Spencer," and that little light bulb goes off in their head, then the show is worth being inane and ridiculous. Maybe the show isn't just mindless entertainment, as I originally thought it to be. Maybe the purpose of the show is to show us how ridiculous we young people can be sometimes, how we take little things and make a big deal out of them, and how we date complete wastes of life and somehow stay with them.
Bob Odenkirk is hilarious. I hope some of you watched Mr. Show (with Bob and David Cross), because it was absolutely one of the funniest shows in the history of television. Bob's got a new venture called Comedy by the Numbers, which is fantastic. Here's one of the videos (language a bit NSFW):
The other video comes from E!'s The Soup - Elijah Wood guest-starred on some new Nickelodeon show called Yo Gabba Gabba. His appearance is weird enough, but the other part of the show on this video is insane. I'm not a parent, so maybe I don't know, but this kind of stuff can't be good for children, can it? I fear for the kids watching this.
For those that don't know, Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard is a huge star. Huger than any other soccer star, or human being for that matter, on Earth. In case you wanted confirmation of this fact, take a look at the demands in the contract he recently signed with Chelsea. Apparently some people are saying this might be satire, but dammit, I hope it's true. Check out some of the highlights:
"Mr Lampard is to be provided in his dressing room with a fresh, sealed flask of CKin2U aftershave splash, Paco Rabanne BlackXS balm or Giorgio Beverly Hills - Wings for Men for each game, home and away."
"Mr. Lampard is to be addressed as "Mr. Lampard" at all times, including in the match day programme, by the match announcer and by all other players, including on the pitch, with the exception of Mr. John Terry."
"The match day announcer is to read Mr. Lampard's name in a louder and more enthusiastic voice than the other players, with the exception of Mr. Terry."
"Employees of Chelsea Football Club, including the playing staff, are not to make eye contact with Mr. Lampard in the dressing room or on the field of play, even when celebrating goals or congratulating Mr. Lampard on his exceptional play, with the exception of Mr. John Terry."
This may seem excessive to some of you, but you really should see the contract I signed with Will to be a part of this site. Here are some of my contractual demands:
"Visitors to the site will refer to Mr. Edmiston in thought and action exclusively as 'The Extraordinary Mr. Edmiston' and will post no information about Mr. Edmiston except that which extols Mr. Edmiston's dynamic personality, extraordinary looks, or his sexual prowess."
"Every time Mr. Edmiston posts on any subject, Mr. Edmiston will be provided with one (1) sanitized, brand-new luxury keyboard with keys made of either ivory or gold. Mr. Edmiston will also require the use of one (1) assistant to maneuver his luxury mouse for him. Said assistant must never look at or think about Mr. Edmiston, except to marvel at Mr. Edmiston's unquestioned awesomeness."
"Will Askew will not make eye contact with Mr. Edmiston, nor can Will Askew's eyes gaze upon Mr. Edmiston for longer than a period of two (2) seconds without noting out loud 'how marvelous it is to work with someone of Mr. Edmiston's stature'. Will Askew must only refer to Mr. Edmiston as 'The Great Mr. Edmiston' and is limited to twenty (20) words spoken to Mr. Edmiston per day."
"Mr Edmiston's office must contain all of the following items: one (1) bottle of Aqua Velva aftershave, two hundred fifty (250) individually-wrapped Starburst-brand candies (cherry and lemon flavors only), 3.75 liters of water dredged from the Tigris river and placed in a bucket made from African oak, an individual lavatory that has an aroma of fresh jasmine, cherry blossoms, and 'new car' smell with a toilet seat made from an actual cloud."
So you can see that Frank Lampard's requests are actually quite reasonable. As are mine. Please adhere to my stipulations at all times. Thank you.
What's up with Julia Stiles? Where has she been? Wasn't she hot at one point? Now she looks like Fergie wearing a swatch from my grandmother's sofa. I think I saw that ring at Spencer's.
I have to credit the fine people over at Loser With Socks for unearthing this amazing gem. Somehow a Tennessee fan managed to smuggle the Volunteer WR playbook out of Knoxville and put it on the web. The secrets within are astounding and will no doubt lead to another Tennessee national title.
I think there's a real simple beauty to Big Red. I mean, listen to the lyrics: "He's big, big, big...and he's red, red, red; that's how he got to earn the name Big Red." I like how he had to earn the name Big Red. You don't just go giving names like Big Red to any old toy out there - he's gotta be big, big, big and red, red, red. And so it is with Big Red. Well done, Bleego.
For some ungodly reason, the Encore Love channel showed 24 straight hours of Dirty Dancing yesterday. I think it may be the funniest movie I've ever seen. I literally could not watch 5 minutes at a time without hysterically laughing ("Johnny?!"). Every woman I know loves this movie, and I don't understand why. It's essentially Footloose with sex. And, according to IMDB, Patrick Swayze received a Golden Globe nomination for this movie. If that doesn't tell you how shitty the 80's were, I don't know what will. So to recap, Dirty Dancing gave us "She's Like the Wind," "Nobody puts Baby in a corner," and Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, and we still like it. If that's not insight into our society, I don't know what is.
This is where me and Will are going to be bringing you the internet stuff you need on a regular basis. Sports? Sure, some. Entertainment? Why not? Politics? A bit. Midget porn? Um...possibly.
Pictured: Some douche who's neither Peter nor Will
It's basically an amalgamation of greatness. Be generous with the comments and suggestions. Hope you enjoy.
In August 2007, there was a tragic accident at a laboratory in Memphis, Tennessee. From the carnage emerged two enormous children with disproportionate strength and writing ability. This is their story.
